TarzansGirl's Ramblings

So, here’s the thing.  A while ago, I decided that I was tired of my life.  I wasn’t UNhappy, but I certainly wasn’t happy.  And I decided that I wanted more. 

I decided that I deserved to have a job that I didn’t hate and made me second guess everything I did and didn’t allow for certain other people to beat me down so much that I didn’t know if I was really doing a bad job or if I just wasn’t able to reach their ridiculously high and unreasonable, anal retentive, micro managing standards.  Which, by the way, I’m more than willing to take on more than my share of responsibility, but even I am starting to drop my beaten wives syndrome enough to understand that I am better than I think I am. 

I also decided to start working out and see about losing weight.  I honestly am okay with who I am and what I look like.  I came to terms with me a long time ago, feel like I have a pretty good idea of who I am and what I’m about and all that.  And while I always thought about trying to lose weight, it wasn’t something that necessarily shamed me or gave me any of the issues that Doc seems to have.  I am what and who I am.  And I’m cool with that.  But I decided to try to change that. 

I think part of this all came from the realization that I had two jobs that I absolutely hated, was bored with a lot of things and never really felt like I did anything for me.  Just for me.  I spent so many years trying to be the rock when my family moved and threatened to fall apart or had to take care of Betsy or whatever.  Now, everyone is doing great and I felt like I was at a loss.  So, I made these decisions. 

It was time to take care of me for a little bit. 

So, here I am, four months later and things are, well, really, really good.  I have this new, fabulous job that I’m starting next week (which I’m hoping will be fabulous!) that has given me a huge boost in my confidence because these people really like me and really want me to come work for them.  I think everyone should interview if often if all interviews were like the one I did with Patrick and Heather at IB.  The money is ridiculous compared to what I’m making right now.  And the flexibility is ridiculous compared to what I have now.  And it’s just… such a employee friendly place from what it sounds like from Dani. 

Here’s what happened.  Dani got an interview there in December.  And got the job because she used to work with Heather at Clear Channel.  But they had a couple other spots open at that time and forwarded my resume to Heather and I got an interview!  I interviewed with Heather, Patrick, and another fella and I thought it went really well.  They kept telling me my answers were really good and they took a lot of notes.  After many phone calls and messages, I found out three weeks later that I didn’t get the job, that they gave it to a guy the interviewed back in August.  But it was another really great conversation with Patrick and he kept telling me how much they really liked me and were going to keep me in mind as soon as something opened up.  And both he and Heather told Dani the same thing, which is always nice to hear.  From Dani, I knew that they were trying to get another position approved so I decided to wait a bit and see.  Because, you see, I had also decided that, come January 1, I was going to start looking for a new job.  Because it was time and because I was so damn miserable at Scanlan.  So, anyway, I waited it out and, honestly, was at the point where I was going to start looking because I couldn’t wait anymore.  Then Dani told me that there were two positions opening up and that Patrick had looked right at her when he mentioned that if they knew of anyone who was looking for a job, to send them their way.  So I called, left another message and had a phone interview a week later that went spectacularly and they offered the job to me on the spot. 

I still have a hard time believing it is really happening.

It’s hard to leave Scanlan, I’ll tell you that.  I’ve never been really good at goodbyes and now I have a whole slew of them to do.  And it’ll be okay, it’s just hard because these people have been part of my family for five and a half years.  It helps that Heather and Jennifer are acting like I’m already gone.  There’s no lunch to say goodbye, nothing to be done.  Just goodbye and don’t forget to make sure we’re okay but who cares if you are.  I’m so very disappointed.  Thought that maybe, I was more to them than just a body.  Guess not.  But then the rest of the company makes up for their shortfalls and it’s still hard.  But I’ve had a lot of good wishes and a lot of thanks and that’s the stuff that makes me feel good.  And so, I move on.

In regards to the weight loss, I have lost 29.5 pounds to date, which is fantastic.  I do a half hour on the elliptical machine every morning before I go to work and I count calories.  And sometimes, it really, really sucks.  I’ll probably never get to eat corn nuts again but it’s a sacrifice I’m choosing to make, I guess.  Because, dude, 29.5 pounds in a little over three months.  Not too shabby…  It’s fun and I’m finally starting to see the difference and I feel good.  I think I took to it all so well because it was the only thing I was feeling good about for a while, which made me all the more dedicated.  For which I’m thankful for the misery?  LOL!

I think that’s the thing these days.  I just… feel good.  Been a while since I felt like that.  But I like it and I want to keep that feeling.  I just… like life these days.  I’m not gloriously happy yet.

But I’m getting there…

Current Mood: cheerful

Current Music: Live and Let Die, Guns N' Roses

Like I said, it's been an interesting night.  Andy and Di noticed that my niece Cassidy was breathing kinda funny last night.  They decided not to go to the ER because she had her 2 month check up today and they figured they'd just ask my uncle Jerry (who is their doctor) when they went in today.  So, they did and he thought she had a collapsed lung.  So, they called whomever they call and an ambulance was being sent for her.  It stopped at the Children’s Hospital in St. Paul (which is about twenty minutes or so away from where my uncle’s clinic is and picked up a pediatric lung specialist (which I know the real name for them, I just can’t seem to get my brain to work right now!  LOL!) and brought him back up to the clinic so he could ride back to the hospital with Cassidy.  So, they went to the hospital and I hung out a work until I couldn’t stand it anymore and I left about a half hour early to meet them there.  Children’s is actually about five minutes from my work, which is nice.  

I got there probably about a half hour after they did and found out that she has degenerative lobal emphysema.  I think.  Again, brain is shot.  But basically, your lungs have two lobes.  And her top lobe on her left lung isn’t working properly so it’s taking in oxygen, but not releasing any so the lower lobe has collapsed and the upper one keeps getting bigger and bigger.  It’s something that she was born with and has been slowly getting to this point, although, according to the docs, it kinda gets worse and worse on a daily basis at a slow rate and then all of a sudden the lower lung collapses and the upper one enlarges.  So they’re going to have to remove the upper lobe, which they are either going to do tomorrow or on Monday, depending on what her chest x-ray shows tomorrow at rounds time.  The amazing thing is that they will remove the upper lobe but the rest of her lung with compensate for the loss and something like 5 to 6 days after the surgery, her lung will have already healed and be at full capacity again.  Almost like nothing had been removed.  Just amazing what our bodies do, especially when we’re so young and fragile.  

But still, very scary and Andy and Di were wrecks.  I forget sometimes how emotional Andy is and just how much he loves his kids.  Sometimes, it's hard to see behind the ass he's being.  Not, actually, that I forget how much he loves his girls.  He's just, well, an ass a lot so it's easier to be angry with him than see that side.  But that all changes when you see him having to leave the room so he can cry in quiet.  Kinda makes everything else really, really unimportant.

He originally told me not to come to the hospital, but I’m not sure if he realized he was talking to me or thought he was talking to Betsy.  That first phone conversation was very weird, with good reason.  But I decided I was going because I was and I’m so glad that I did.  I just did what I always do and took care of Hailey (which, consequently, she checked me out with the kids doctor stuff in the kids room and turns out I’m very sick and will have to stay in the hospital for 50 weeks.  That would have been shortened by a shot, but she couldn’t find her syringe so she picked up a scalpel.  Suddenly 50 weeks didn’t seem so bad… LOL!)  But it gave Andy and Di a chance to fall apart and then pull themselves back together.  

So, I took Hailey again and am actually at their house now.  We had some pizza and root beer and then watched The Fox and the Hound until she fell asleep.  And I’ve spent the last hour and a half or so on the phone, but that’s the way it is with these things, I guess.  My brother Jamie and his wife are on their way up right now and will be bunking at my house with Doc.  Which is kinda weird because they’re my guests in my house and I’m not even there!  LOL!  My mom and dad were actually in your neck of the woods, Mi, for a wedding in Fort Worth so they turned around and started driving again.  I just talked to my mom now (it’s 12:10am) and they’re just hitting Fayetteville, AR, which is about 20 minutes from their house.  They’re going to grab a couple hours of sleep and my youngest brother and get back in the car to come up here.  

So, anyway, I'm tired and I'm going to bed on the couch.  Or their bed.  Can't decide.  There's a slight dog hair issue with their bed so I might just curl up on the couch.  It's very comfortable and I've done it before.  I can't decide how I feel about it all.  Situations like this I just seem to shut down and do what needs to be done and don't seem to... unfreeze ever.  It's weird.  And kinda scary because I should be better at showing emotions.  Only, I dont' because someone needs to be paying attention to what's being said or taking care that Hailey doesn't get too scared or whatever.  I'm okay with that.  It's my job, right?

Anyway, to the blue couch for me!

Current Mood: exhausted

Current Music: Some Hunting Show in TV I Can't Turn Off.

So, this is what I’m thinking these days.  Because, there’s this man.  This Mike Clark man that I have these thoughts about.  The only problem is, I can’t make much sense of these thoughts or even decide what it is that I want from this Mike Clark man.  I mean, hands down, he’s a great guy.  One of the nicest I’ve met and that’s not the kiss of death.  At least, not in my world.  I think everyone could use a bit of nice and me a lot of nice.  But that’s neither here nor there.  He’s got that passion thing we talked about, got it in spades and it’s lovely.  Really lovely. 

But the thing is, I don’t know what I want.  I mean, do I have these thoughts about This Man because I genuinely am interested in This Man?  Or because, sometimes, when I let myself be, I get a little lonely.  And the idea that I may have a man, any man, to cuddle up with, even for one night, is an enticing one.  And that, right there, is part of my problem.  Because am I interested in this Mike man or just anyone?  If it’s a just anyone thing, than it cannot be this Mike man.  While I do not flatter myself to believe there is much, if any, real interest in my person involved, the fact is that I genuinely *like* this Mike man and cannot use him in such a manner.  At least, that’s what I think when I’m thinking sensible.  But then I get around This Man and I start to think that maybe, maybe it’s something else entirely.  Or that maybe I can, maybe I can sacrifice whatever it is I need to sacrifice to have that niceness for as long as it is granted to me, even if it is only one night.  Which starts a whole new round of thinking that never seems to have an end.

It’s usually around this time that all my other insecurities start barking and I wonder why I even bother.  I start making excuses.  I think, I wouldn’t know what to do with This Man if, by some freak of nature, he might actually be interested in me (he’s a Good Man.  He’s got all his teeth, he doesn’t date minors or fuck everything that moves and he doesn’t lie or cheat or any of those things that I seem to be so very attracted to.  Hence, the freak of nature).  What the hell do I know about relationships anymore?  Not, mind, that I’m thinking that might happen.  Honestly, I’m being quite sensible about all of this.  But still, the question remains.  What do I know about relationships other than the thought of them scares the ever-loving shit out of me.  I can assure you, I will be a nightmare.  Because I turn into a twit when I’m unsure about things and then there’s all those lovely insecurities that turn me into a raving jackass.  So, there’s reason enough not to try to do anything with This Man. 

But then I wonder, am I just making excuses *because* I’m scared?  Because I would have to let someone close, actually depend on someone other than myself for my emotional needs? 

See, this is why thinking is no good.  Because it never ends and it never seems to go anywhere.  And is all really rather useless as I have had no indication from This Man that he is even interested.  Oh, sure, there have been moments, very drunken ones, where the interest seems present.  But we learned a long time ago, didn’t we, poppets, that we don’t really count on the drunken… anythings from men.  Or women.  Or anyone, really.  So, we know better.  Even if we want to believe it because, well, we want to believe it.  Very badly sometimes, even if it start that whole fucking thinking process again.

So, there you have it.  The things that are circling round and round and round inside this head of mine.  Things that aren’t probably going to get any better if I keep doing this go to the bar on Wednesday night thing with Jake’s softball team.  Because I do really well in regards to This Man when I don’t see him.  It’s just when I see him on a regular, or even somewhat regular, basis that I start to have these thoughts again.  He’s a magnet for these thoughts, This Man.  Because I’ve been thinking them and him for a very, very long time. 

He intrigues me. 

He interests me. 

He attracts me. 

Bugger.

Current Mood: contemplative

Current Music: Love Actually Soundtrack

Okay, so I think everyone and their neighbor has seen Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man’s Chest by now.  Something about a bazillion dollars made in the first weekend and all these records broken and the likes.  Although, I think it’s rather suspect.  Because I want to know how many TICKETS were actually sold.  Sure, it made a lot of money, but did it ACTUALLY sell more tickets than previous big movies?  OF COURSE it’s going to make a bazillion dollars when tickets are 9 bucks a ticket.  But it really do better than past blockbusters.  Like, say, ET or any of the original Star Wars movies that came out when tickets were probably 4 bucks a ticket?

These are the things I wonder.  And I digress. 

Because really, I want to talk about the former Commodore Norrington in the movie.  Because, holy shit, when did he get so sexy?  Sure, I thought he was kinda cute in the first movie but was all wigged out and clean shaven and so very damn… proper.  You could practically SEE the rather large stick shoved up his ass.  But he stepped on deck the Black Pearl in Dead Man’s Chest, the wig gone, a beard growing and clear of the pig shit and he took my breath away.  Seriously, like a punch in the gut of raw attraction that just… ::gives wolfish grow::  Gorgeous.  Just gorgeous.  And completely stickless.  He’s raw, untamed and has thrown all manners and propriety to the side and is just… living.  Living by the rules of the sea rather than the rules of society or what the Navy deems correct.  Again, I say woof.  And yeah, his ambition is getting the better of him and I really hope he doesn’t turn out to be a complete dick in the third movie.  Personally, I’m hoping that he gives up the Navy and turns pirate with Jack.  Because, really, aren’t they lovely together?  Love the contradiction of them both and I think that Norrington can really be free if he just lets himself.  And, for god’s sake, he should never wear the damn wig again…

I think I have a serious grievance against the wig.  Really.  It’s just… bad.  And yeah, I know, it’s a status thing and blah, blah, blah.  Let’s all raise our glasses and toast with glee that fashion has such changed and wigs are OUT.  Because my Jamie, that’s how I refer to him now, is much more delicious without the wig.

Yes, I seem to have a bit of a crush.  What are you going to do?  LOL!

I really liked the movie.  Took me a while to get into it, I sorta thought the beginning dragged a bit but Davey Jones and his crew were amazing and awesome and so very clever.  Once Jack got going, he was his usual charming and weird self.  Will was, well, Will was Will.  His has never been a particularly strong character and I get tired of his desire to do anything and everything for Elizabeth, especially since she’s got a little pirate fever, too.  But his dad was cool and I want to see more of Bootstrap and Will together.  Although, I can do without another grand speech about how Will keeps his promises and blah, blah, blah.  Save the sanctimoniousness, please, I’m not interested!  LOL!  And I sorta thought Elizabeth was a bit ridiculous in this movie.  She did a lot of shrieking and fluffing about.  And are we REALLY to believe that a ship full of men wouldn’t realize that a woman was on board, posing as a man?  Stupid.

But, really, all in all?  I can’t wait for the third movie!!  And I’ve seen this one twice and want to see it again.  Mostly because I want more of Norrington.  James.  Jamie.  Yeah, I’m a fan.

Also finally decided to go see Superman Returns today.  For a while there, I didn’t think I wanted to see it.  Mostly because I think it’s wrong to do another Superman after Christopher Reeve died.  The man did five movies as the hero in tights, for crying out loud.  But curiosity (and, I must admit, boredom) won out and I went.  And I think l liked it, even though I was prepared not to.  It was a little weird, with all the digital stuff and how Clark wasn’t always completely real.  I’m not sure how to better describe it.  He just… looked cartoony sometimes.  But Brandon what’s his name has a charm all of his own and he looks amazingly like Christopher but then again doesn’t.  And he embodied Superman so well, shy and clutzy as Clark and larger than life as Superman.  Still hate his costume, but at least they didn’t mess with that.  And what the fuck was with that stupid curl?  His hair would be soaking wet with the exception of that fucking curl over his forehead.  Terrible.  Hated it.  LOL!

Hated Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor.  I thought he’d be good at it but he seemed really, really flat.  Like, there was nothing to him but a bald head and a white coat.  I just wasn’t impressed.  Although I do have to admit, I am a bit biased.  Michael Rosenbaum plays Lex so well on Smallville that I can’t see anyone else as him.  He’s more of what I pictured.  A rich, elegant, and sophisticated man behind all the mastermind brilliance and, eventual I suppose, criminal.  Kevin was just… I don’t know, not impressive.  He didn’t have that feeling of coming from a lot of money that adds so much to Lex.  I thought Kate Bosworth did an all right job as Lois.  But I was amazed at all the time she got thrown around and slammed her head into things without getting knocked out or seriously hurt.  Just amazing…  LOL!!

I’m watching the first Superman now.  Just because I don’t remember it at all.  Gene Hackman is a better Lex than Kevin, but I’m still partial to Michael.  But Christopher, yeah, he IS Superman.  He’s so cute and charming and I love him as Clark as much as I love him as Superman.  And yeah, he’s got the fucking curl, too, but it’s not as obvious as Brandon’s.  I can see why he made five of the movies, he’s just amazing.  It’s interesting, watching this movie after seeing the new one.  There’s a lot of repeated lines and scenes.  Almost as if the new movie is a tribute to this one.  I like the continuity of it.  All the stats Lois has on Superman in the first movie she gathered in their first meeting in the first one.  I like that.  And they took some of Jor-El’s scenes and speeches from the first one and put it in the new one, which I think is pretty cool.  I like that, too.  And they way the Fortress of Solitude and the new land look like each other in both movies.  Very, very clever.  I think that if they made the new on and completely disregarded the first five movies, what I feared about this movie would have been true and I would have hated it.  But they kept it in the same way as the rest of them, or at least the first and it made it seem right.  Well done. 

That’s about all I gots to say tonight.  Am going to finish watching the movie and go to bed.  And think about my Jamie.  Jamie Norrington of the dark hair and pirating ways.  Yeah, in my world, he’s no longer a Commodore.  Because Commodores have to wear that damn wig and we hates the wig even more than we hates that fucking curl!

Current Mood: enthralled

Current Music: Nothing but the hum of my modem...

I have been deeply remiss in updating this thing lately.  And I’ve started so many posts in my head and then never taken the time to put them down on paper.  Or screen, as it is.  LOL!  So, I’m going to do a little of that here even though I’m quite certain I have no idea of what I wanted to write about or had half written in my head. 

Things here are plugging along in the usual fashion.  Nothing too spectacular going on, although we do continually get closer to the Due Date.  I think that’s definitely a capital letter kind of thing.  Due Date.  Just… ::shudder::  See, I have recently (and I’m talking recently as in tonight) discovered something.  The closer Betsy gets to having her baby, the more terrified I am.  Why?  Not sure.  Other than the fact that so much COULD go wrong even though it won’t.  It just scares me.  And then I wonder if I can do this.  If I’ll be good enough or strong enough or just enough period.  It’s a fine line, me being in there with her and Neil for the delivery.  And I’m so touched that she would ask me and want me there.  But what if I’m not enough?  Fuck, that seems to be a common theme in my life lately.  But seriously, I’m just scared for Betsy.  And she, God bless her, is as calm as can be.  It’s amazing to me, really.  And Nancy is the same way.  They’re both just so… serene.  And I’m a nervous wreck.  Not, mind, that I’m letting that show.  In fact, this is the only place I’ve said it.  Well, this and the crazy email I just shot off to Thailand John.  But he’s enjoying Egypt with his girlfriend and he can think I’m a nut job.  I’m all right with it.  It’s not like he emails back, anyway.  Not that I mind, I know he’s busy and, Lord knows, I wouldn’t stop to email any more than I have to! 

But I digress.  So, yeah, Due Date.  Eeks.

Went to see North Country two weekends ago.  And, I have to say, that I don’t think I could be any more in love with Sean Bean than I am right now.  He was so incredibly lovely in this movie.  And such a different part for him, too.  Usually he plays this rough, slick guy who’s either a bad guy or just tough.  Although, playing Odysseus in Troy was different.  Much more like Boromir.  But playing Kyle in North Country?  He is EXACTLY the guy in my head.  He was so sweet and kind and supportive and, let me tell you, the man was BORN to wear jeans and flannel.  I just… cannot describe to you how seeing him as that character made me feel.  And yeah, I was feeling a little blue and a lot tired and he just happened to be pretty damn close to my dream guy, but hey, I’m only human and am entitled to have fantasies and fall just a little bit in love with characters in a movie.  And yeah, so I’d like to believe that he really is like that.  And maybe he is.  That sweetness has to come from somewhere, right?  So, it’s POSSIBLE that he’s really like that in real life.  Just let me have my illusions, dammit!

Aside from Sean Lovely Bean, the movie was awesome.  Best I’ve seen in a while and that’s saying something.  In fact, I want to go see it again.  And maybe read the book the movie was based on.  I just liked it that much.

Okay, I was going to post more but I’m really fricking tired and I want to curl up in bed and pass out.  So, that’s it for now.  I’m sure there’s more to be said but it’ll keep. 

Night, all…

Current Mood: drained

Current Music: On the Turning Away, Pink Floyd

Okay, so here’s the thing.  I just… have zero patience for high maintenance people these days.  Doc is just… KILLING me right now.  And yeah, I’m PMS-ing and way overly sensitive to everything but it’s just not personal when someone doesn’t close the windows at night.  Frankly, it’s just that no one else has a problem going to bed with the downstairs windows.  No one else things someone is going to come in and steal them.  So, no, it’s not that we’re purposefully keeping the windows open so that she gets stolen.  It’s just that we don’t think it’s an issue.

I was waiting, just waiting, for her to say something about the lights being on and then, I fear, I would have said something.  But, really, how many times have I come home from the liquor store and everything AND the TV is on because she decided to go to bed and couldn’t be arsed to shut it all off? 

I don’t know what it is lately, but she’s driving me nuts.  Something always smells, something’s always making her gag, blah, blah, fucking blah.  Just… deal with it.  Relax and stop being such a princess.  She just seems to be very self centered lately, although that could very well just be me feeling like I’m not getting enough.  Which would make me the self centered one, now wouldn’t it?  ::sighs::  I don’t know, I just find myself close to snapping a lot more lately than I used to.

And what does she think is going to happen when the baby comes?  There’s going to be a lot of strange smells and stuff around and she’s not going to have the freedom she used to.  I just don’t think she gets that, I really, really don’t.  So, I’m nervous about it all.  Because it’s not going to be like what she thinks.  Babies are so much fun, but they’re also so much work.  I don’t think she gets that.  Not at all.  ::sighs again::  Well, it’ll be interesting, that’s for sure…

Excuse me, I gotta go shut the windows now.  ::rolls eyes:: 

Current Mood: irritated

Current Music: As Good As I Once Was, Toby Keith

Pretty damn tired, but it’s been a long night.  Well, not really, but some parts were.  Anyway, my plan for the night HAD been to come home from work, move some pieces of furniture out of my room in preparation for the painting tomorrow, shower quick and meeting Brian and Nancy to go to the Neil Diamond concert.  Originally, it was going to be Nanc, her mom and her step-dad who were going, but then Barb and Big Ron decided that they didn’t really want to go because it was too late for them so Nancy asked if I wanted to go with her and Brian.  Did I?  LOL!  I love Neil!!

But, on my way home, Betsy calls and she’s crying and really panicked and she tells me she needs to go to the ER and can I take her.  Absolutely, I’ll be there in under five minutes.  So, it appears that she got home from work today and noticed that she’d been having this weird discharge (there are no words to describe how much I hate that word) all day today.  So much, that her underwear were constantly wet.  So, she calls mom and asks her if that’s normal.  Mom says no, you should call your doc.  So Betsy does and her doctor tells her to come down to the ER right away.  So, we go and end up going to the Labor and Deliver floor.  They get us tucked away nicely into one of their rooms, which are really nice and get her hooked up to something that monitors Austin’s heartbeat and something that would monitor contractions if she were having them.  Then we sat for a while.  I think they were waiting to see if she leaked anymore.  Which was, circumstances aside, kinda nice because it’s been a while since Betsy and I just talked like that and we could hear Austin kick every time he did it.  Which was a lot.  He’s an active bugger. 

Anyway, the nurse came in then and did all sorts of poking and prodding and scraping and took samples of stuff.  And then she went off duty and the night nurse didn’t get around to sending the samples to the lab until 7:30pm.  Shift change was at 7:00pm.  LOL!  Gotta love that!  Anyway, the fern test came back negative, which is really good.  Basically, they spread a sample of some part of Betsy’s uterus or where ever on a slide and if it dried and spread out like a fern, that was bad.  But since it was negative, there was no trace of amniotic fluid in her uterus and nothing had ruptured.  Which is the important thing.  Her cervix had softened a bit, but the nurses didn’t seem to be too concerned.  Apparently, her cervix is supposed to, at this point, feel like a nose.  The hardness of a nose, at least.  After that, every time the nurse said cervix, I touched my nose.  LOL!  Weird.  Anyway, the nurse thought that maybe she might have a yeast infection or maybe just her vaginal mucus (God, that’s so fucking gross to say) has increased, which it apparently does when you’re pregnant.  So, she’s fine, Austin’s fine, everyone’s fine. 

But, fuck, there was a moment there after I hung up and was on my way to pick her up that I just… stopped breathing for a moment.  And then I slide into calming mode because she’s crying and I know she’ll be scared when I get there and someone needs to be rational, but… fuck.  Scary.  Of course, we can’t have our cell phones on in the hospital, so Mom and Neil are freaking out (Neil couldn’t get from work to her fast enough so she told him he didn’t have to come. I’m torn about that.  Big time.  Like, he should have come anyway instead of having dinner with his parents.  I’m not sure why she didn’t insist he be there.  Not, mind, that I had any problem being there.  I don’t.  It was important to be there.  But you’d think he’d feel the same…) so those phone calls were fun.  And they should be.  Babies are such precious things and so fragile.  Don’t need to tell you that.  And the nurses were great.  They kept telling her it was a good thing to come in even though it was nothing because it might not have been nothing and that it happened all the time.  Which was reassuring.

I just… don’t get Neil sometimes.  He met up with us afterwards because we were hungry and wanted to go to dinner.  And I think (and I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt) that he was really freaked and didn’t know how to handle it and didn’t want to… I don’t know, break down in front of me.  But he didn’t really want to talk about it.  Kept telling her he didn’t want to know.  Just to tell him if the baby was all right.  And then went on and on and on about his day and how “stressful” it was because he had to leave one job and go pour stairs really fast at another.  And that was stressful.  I was like, are you fucking kidding me?  Where the hell were you in that hospital room when we were waiting for the nurse and then waiting for test results?  And he just kept talking about stupid stuff and I kept getting more and more annoyed until I pretty much stopped talking.  I drove Betsy back to our place and I told her that she better tell him all about tonight and he better listen because that’s bullshit.  She told me that’s how he deals with things and that, once they’d settled down for the night, he’d talk about it and ask about it and want to know all about it.  I hope that’s the case.  Because I was NOT impressed with Mr. Neil tonight.  At all.  And I need to give him some credit.  He’s just a kid, really.  I mean, he’s 22 and immature and that’s okay.  He just needs to be better, dammit.  And maybe he is and I just don’t know it.  I don’t know.   One can always hope, right?

So, now, I’m pretty well shot.  Am going to turn off the puter as soon as I post this and go to bed.  Will hopefully get about 6 ½ solid hours in, which will be nice.  I’m so very glad that things worked out as they did.  And I’m so very glad that everyone is okay.  And, really?  I’m so very glad that she called me to come.  It means a lot to me, in an odd way. 

Now, all we got to do is get through three more months and we’re good!  We can do it!  LOL! 

Current Mood: exhausted

Current Music: CNN's broadcast of Katrina news that Doc's listening to.

Ever get to that point where you take a step back, look at your friend, and just want to tell them how so very disappointed you are in them?  I just… ::sighs disgustedly:: 

So, here’s the situation.  It was Nancy’s birthday last week.  And she made mention how disappointing birthday’s get as you get older and that made her sad because birthday’s used to be so much fun and she loved them so.  And that she couldn’t wait for her kids to be born so that birthday’s could be fun again.  And it just… broke my heart a little bit.  So, I made damn sure that we went out for her birthday and made it a bit deal.  Made plans to do dinner last night because I was afraid that if we didn’t do it this week, we never would because Doc and Dani are going home for Labor Day.  And there were limited days we could do it this week.  So, I called Nancy yesterday morning and she said she needed to talk to Brian to make sure they weren’t going to his parents house for dinner, which they usually do.  And called Jen to let her know that we were planning on doing it, provided they don’t do dinner at the McMahon’s.  Right away, I could tell that she didn’t want to do it.  She kept mentioning lunch and I kept telling her I wanted to make it a bigger deal than lunch.  And pretty much thought that she could just suck it up because we always do things on her schedule and for once, she could work with someone else’s.

So, Nancy calls back around 3pm and says we’re on.  Cool.  So, I call Jen and tell her and she’s less than thrilled but I don’t really care.  It’s not about her.  She calls back a bit later to say that her football practice is cancelled and that we can go earlier, but that doesn’t work for Nancy and Brian.  And she mentions something about having taken ribs out for dinner and if it’d be all right to put them back in the freezer.  Doc told her not a problem.

So, then she calls around 5p and says that she called Nancy to cancel because they had already taken the ribs out and she and Jake were going to have them for dinner.  And that they could go for ice cream later this week. 

Are you fucking kidding me? 

That’s one of the WORST things I’ve heard in a really, really long time.  How fucking selfish can one person REALLY be?  It wasn’t about the ribs, she just didn’t want to go because it didn’t work for her schedule.  And then she has the balls to tell Nancy that it was because no one had called her back and she assumed we weren’t doing it.  So, Nancy felt bad for not making a decision faster. 

I’m just so disgusted by the whole thing.  And so very, very disappointed.  I don’t expect much from Jen.  Pretty damn close to nothing, really, and have for a long time.  But this?  This is even beyond what I thought her capable of.  I don’t understand how she could think it would NOT hurt Nancy’s feelings.  Nancy, who is very sensitive to begin with and 6 months pregnant on top of it.  And I’m sure Jen didn’t even think about it.  She just thought she didn’t want to do it so she wasn’t going to.  Period.  Even AFTER I told her that Nancy was feeling blue because birthday’s didn’t mean much anymore.  Clearly, doing something for someone because they’re your friend and you love them is way beyond her understanding these days. 

Shame on her.

That’s all I can say about it.  And now, I’m so irritated with her that I can’t keep an even mind about what she does.  Like, we’ve been talking about going to the State Fair together for about month.  We always go together.  She emails us all today saying she and Jake are going on Wednesday and we should all go.  Um, I work on Wednesdays.  And yeah, we talked about how I’m going to start working Thursday’s now, but I know I talked about working Wednesday this week.  Is she going to change her plans so we can all go?  Oh, hell no.  I’m sure she has some sporting event every other minute this week so that won’t work for her. 

Whatever.  I’m not going to play her game anymore.  If she wants to do something with me, then she’s going to have to figure out a way to work with my schedule, too.

And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Except for.  Shame on her.

Current Mood: disappointed

Current Music: Slot Maching sounding song by Missy Elliot and Cyara

Ever talk to someone and just KNOW, with one look, just exactly how much they don’t like you?  Yeah, me neither.  Until tonight, that is.  I just feel weird about the whole thing. 

Troy was at Old Mex again tonight.  It’s been, gosh, I don’t know.  Probably six months since the last time we saw him.  This time, he was a bit more assertive.  Jen went outside to talk to Jake and he either went to the bathroom or just went to talk to her.  But I noticed that neither of them were coming back and figured he caught up with her.  And so they talked for a while.  Probably 20 minutes or so.

Let me be the first to say that I think it was a very good thing.  Hell, I think she should have talked to him the last time we saw him there.  She needed closure.  And to be an adult about it as he was being an adult about it.  He obviously had things he needed to say.  And he said them.  Sounds like he’s doing well.  He got married a little under a year ago and he and his wife are really happy.  Says they’re going to start to try to have kids soon.  ::shudder::  He’s still working at the ME’s office and they bought a new house and he’s talking to his brother and sister in law.  He has a new tattoo.  A very large one that covers his forearm.  The forearm where I’m about 98% positive that the tattoo for his dad once way.  So he healed there a bit, too.  He also apologized for being such a prick to her.  Surprising, really.  All good things.  And yes, I’m happy for him. 

I have no idea what possessed me to do it, but I stopped by his table on the way out.  Hell, he was sitting ten feet from us all night long and when he was talking to Jen, his friends kept looking at me.  Us.  Whatever.  And he stopped Nancy and Brian as they walked past.  I guess a part of me thought I should.  Because we used to be close once and it was the right thing to do.

Wrong.

He didn’t want to talk to me.  I said Hello, Troy and he turned and looked at me for a very long couple fo seconds before saying anything.  And the look?  Yeah, nothing in his eyes liked me.  It was if I could almost see him trying to decide whether to be nice or not.  And the conversation was very awkward and bad and left me with a tightness in my chest and a bad feeling that I can’t explain.  Part of it is embarrassment because it’s oh, so pleasant to talk to someone who clearly doesn’t want to talk to you. 

I just can’t figure out what the hell possessed me to stop and talk to him.  Maybe I needed a bit of closure, too?  But, really, that’s not the kind I wanted and I can’t for the life of me figure out why I’d need closure.  I got all the closure I needed when he started dating Jen.  I think it’s… I don’t have the word, but something that he can still affect me like he does, after all this time.  When we saw him all those months ago, it shook me.  Badly.  Tonight?  Not so much.  It seemed right that he and Jen talk.  Just not right that he and I talk, apparently.  And that… hurts, I guess.  For some odd reason.  And yeah, I don’t like ANYONE to not like me, but this was different than that.  I want to go back and do it again and not stop.  Rather badly.  And I want it not to matter.  Which, I’m figuring, will stop mattering somewhere between when I go to bed tonight and tomorrow morning.  Or, by Monday, at least.  LOL! 

It just… was bad.  And never should have happened.  I can live with that.  And will get over it.  Quickly, I’m hoping.  But still… 

I’ve just never had someone look at me with such intense dislike in their eyes.  Rather unsettling, yeah?

Current Mood: distressed

Current Music: The crickets again. Oh yeah, open windows make me happy!

I pulled this off a friend’s jounal.  Thought it might be fun.

1. Pierce your nose or tongue? I’d actually go with eyebrow, but as that’s not an option, perhaps nose?
2. Be serious or be funny? Funny.  I’d rather make people laugh than cry.  Unless, of course, they’re crying because they’re laughing!
3. Boxers or briefs? Boxer briefs?
4. Whole or skim milk? Skim
5. Single or taken?  Single.  But I’m quiet easily taken with a lot of things!  LOL!
6. Simple or complicated? Simple
7. Law or anarchy? Law
8. Flowers or angels? Flowers, I’d say.  Not that I have anything against Angels.
9. Grey or gray? Gray
10. Read or write? Can’t do one without the other!
11. Color or black-and-white photos? depends
12. Sunrise or sunset? Sunset-I don’t do early.
13. M&M's or Skittles? M&M's
14. Go to bed late or wake up late? Go to bed late
15. TV or Radio? TV
16. Is it POP or SODA? Pop
17. X or O in Tic-Tac-Toe? X.  What the hell does that say about my personality?  I know it’s one of those questions where if you’re an X then you’re going to be a serial killer or something…
18. Leather purse or knit purse? Neither, I don’t do purses!
19. Eat an apple or an orange? Apple.  Perferably with carmel on it!
20. What came first the chicken or the egg?  Such a stupid question…
21. Hot or Cold? Cold
22. Light or dark nail polish? Dark.  That way, I’ll see it and be less likely to bite my nails!
23. Tall members of the opposite sex or short? Tall.  Definitely tall!
24. Sun or moon? Moon.  I like to be out at night…
25. Emerald or ruby? Ruby
26. Mt. Dew or Surge? Mt. Dew
27. Left or right? Right
28. 10 acquaintances or 1 best friend? Yet another stupid question.  I’m not playing nicely, am I?
29. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?  Mint chocolate chip.  What do you mean ‘that’s not an option?’
30. High or Drunk?   Drunk.  Definitely drunk.
31. Green beans or carrots?  Carrots if they’re cooked and mushy!
32. Low fat or fat free? What’s the point in either?
33. What is your biggest fear in the world?  Being alone.
34. Silver jewelry or gold jewelry?  I have more silver these days, but I like both just the same.
35. Kids or no kids?  Kids.  I want a herd.
36. Cat or dog? Dogs
37. Half empty or half full?  See answer to Question 28.
38. Mustard or ketchup? Ketchup
39. Hard cover books or soft cover books? hard cover
40. Newspaper or magazine? magazine
41. Sandals or sneakers? Sandals.  Year round.
43. Red car or white car? White
44. Happy and poor or sad and rich?  Happy and poor.  Money is the devil!!
45. Singing or dancing?  Oh, I’m a dancer!!
46. Hugging or Kissing?  Shut up and kiss me!
47. Corduroy or plaid? Corduroy
48. Happy or sad? Happy-Is this a trick question?  Who the fuck WANTS to be sad?
49. Purple or green? Green!

Current Mood: relaxed

Current Music: None tonight, thanks!

God, what magic words those are.  Not because it implies that I am a raging alcoholic, but because those particular words mean that I’ll be at Wefest.  And, damn, doesn’t that sound good.  I was emailing back and forth a bit with Gov today and that moment caught up with me.  That moment when everything is set up and I’m able to sit down under our tarp and take that first sip of whatever I’m drinking.  There always seems to be a breeze and it’s sunny and there’s bustle around me but in that one second, all the tension and crap that follows me just… melts away and it’s glorious.  Absolutely glorious. 

That, my friends, is that Wefest is all about. 

It always amazes me, even after ten years now, how ridiculously excited I get about it when it comes around.  It’s just so…good.  I’m a bit sad this year, though.  We’re in a different campground and the Gecko boys aren’t going to be there.  One of their really good friends had the audacity to get married this weekend and they’ve chosen to go to that instead.  ::sniffs::  I guess they aren’t tried and true Wefesters!  LOL!  But, seriously, they’re a big part of why I love it so much.  It’ll be just as good this year, but not in the same way. 

I have a very serious issue with my mother.  See, she sent me her Suzanne Brockman books and I keep staying up until after 2am to read them and it’s all her damn fault!  LOL!  They are some of the best books I’ve read in a while.  And they’re nothing special, just nice adventure/romance novels that involve a team of Navy SEALS but her main characters are so damn amazing.  I read the one with Senior Chief Stan and fell so completely in love with him that I think every day now that it’s unfair that a man like him doesn’t exist.  Because you KNOW he doesn’t exist.  But it doesn’t matter.  Because I am completely in love with this character.  He’s the guy who takes care of everyone else, doesn’t think he’s all that attractive and is about the sweetest thing ever.  Yeah, totally in love.

And the rest of her characters are just as fantastic.  Each book has several different subplots going on and there’s always a story that involves something that happened during World War II, which is really cool.  The men are fantastic, the women are brilliant and sassy and vulnerable in their own ways and there’s always an older person who does so much and is so impossibly strong that you just have to love them.  I can’t get enough of these books.

Gotta say, it’s nice to be reading again, yeah?

There were all these other things I wanted to write about tonight.  Dani’s decided that Jeff is tickling her fancy again and I spent a rousing evening on Saturday cock blocking as only I can do.  Sometimes, I really think I’m quite the bitch.  But, seriously, I cannot believe she would even consider going there again.  That’s just wrong.  And selfish.  And a lot of other things that I don’t even want to go into.

Oh, and we’re having a boy!  Yay!  LOL!  Sorry, forgot to mention that.  Went to Betsy’s ultrasound a while back and found out we’re having an Austin Michael.  Isn’t that spectacular?  I’m so excited.

Parents were in town and it was good.  Had a bit of a meltdown at Kevin’s wedding, in which I hope I recovered gracefully from, but I got upset.  Because they were leaving early and I don’t really feel like I got to spend much time with them.  They stayed with Andy and Di again and did a lot of stuff out there.  And, yeah, I got to see them every day, but it was usually at someone else’s house so I didn’t really get any time with them.  Even when I had them over for dinner and cooked, I spent a good portion of the time cooking.  Dad went for a walk.  What was that?  What happened to all this, I’m going to wax your car and all that crap?  No, he went for an hour walk.  Can fix Andy’s fucking sprinkler system, but he can’t spend five minutes looking at my car with me.  No, I’m not bitter… LOL! 

I’ve come to the conclusion that I just have to stop caring.  I just have to tell myself over and over again that it doesn’t matter and that I don’t need anything more until I start to believe it and it stops hurting.  Because I’m so fucking tired of feeling like this, feeling like I don’t get my fair share of time.  I don’t even know if I’m being reasonable or just selfish.  But I go to bat for Betsy, tell Mom that she was disappointed because this week, at least a little bit of it, should have been about Betsy and Austin because now we’re in the excited part and not the Oh, shit part.  And that she wanted to do some shopping and stuff with Mom alone and get some alone time and Di went along.  And when Di is around, EVERYTHING is about Di.  So, I say something.  And am okay with it.  It needed to be said.  But why can’t someone say something for me?  Or why can’t I say something for me?  Because I don’t think it’ll make any difference?  Because I try and all that happens is that I feel bad?  I tired to say something when Mom and Dad were leaving and Mom slumped her shoulders like I was being this hugely selfish bitch.  I, of course, back down.  Immediately.  Because I can’t handle the guilt and, really, I don’t need anything, right?  ::snorts::  Yeah, right.  Then she tries to tell me that it does matter and that I matter when I say it doesn’t.  So stop fucking saying that and DO something about it.  I’ve been trying to tell you this for two years now!! 

::sighs::  It’s okay.  It really is.  And if it’s not, it needs to be because it’s only going to get worse with Betsy having a baby and Andy and Di having another one, which they’re going to start trying to do soon.  Once that happens, there’ll be nothing left for me.  I get that.  Which is why we’re going to be telling ourselves it doesn’t matter enough until we believe it.  Good plan, yeah?

This wasn’t supposed to be a sad or depressing post.  Just doing a little venting, you know?  Doesn’t matter.  At this time on Wednesday, I’ll be drunk.

Oh yeah, those certainly are magic words…

Current Mood: ecstatic

Current Music: Anything But Mine, Kenny Chesney

Why is it that no one told me that Viggo has a new movie coming out?  Like, soon?  Okay, maybe NOT as soon as I’d like, but end of September?  That’s soon.  So, again, why was I not made aware of this?  History of Violence.  Saw the preview tonight and it looks good.  Really good.  Who the fuck cares?  It’s VIGGO!!!  Honestly, I’m so smitten with that man.  I love his intensity.  And I love that sometimes?  He can be so damn ugly.  Anyone who’s seen Hidalgo knows what I’m talking about.  That part in the desert, towards the end of the movie where he thinks he might have to shoot Hidalgo and he’s all chapped and parched and crying and just… really, really unattractive.  And then he’s beautiful, too.  Loved him in 28 Days.  He’s just so lean and looks great in track pants.  Won’t even get started on Aragorn because, really?  We don’t have that much time.  Frankly, there isn’t enough time for that.  So, the man is beautiful and I love that he has a movie coming out soon.  With Ed Harris in it, who is also beautiful but in a different way.  Oh yeah, September is going to be a good month.

Why’s that you ask?

Well, in addition to the Viggo, Sean Bean has ANOTHER movie coming out a week before Viggo’s!  I honestly don’t know which I’m more excited about.  I adore Viggo.  But I want very, very badly to do all sorts of naughty, sweaty things with Sean.  And more, I’m not shallow.  All I really need is to hear the man speak.  Love his voice.  It’s so gorgeous and smooth.  And yeah, so the movie is really going to be all about Jodie Foster and I’m not even sure how big Sean’s role in it is. Although he was in the trailer quite a bit so maybe he’ll be in it Iots!  That’s two movies with Sean in it in about a two months timeframe.  Oh yeah, life is good!!! 

Oh, and I saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith tonight.  I think I’m more excited about the previews than I am the actual movie.  Oh, it was okay.  Funny in parts and kinda cute.  But I was really bored the first 45 minutes or so.  And I’m not really a big Brad or Angelina fan so it gets a bit tricky.  But they were good. 

Did I mention Sean and Viggo within a week of each other?  I’m not sure I did.  Perhaps I should mention it again.  And did I mention how excited I was about that?  I’m not sure I did that, either.  I’ll mention that, too…

All right, I’m off to bed.  To dream of Bean.  And Viggo.  Maybe together.  If I’ve been a good girl and I’m lucky….  LOL!! 

Current Mood: ecstatic

Current Music: I'm Movin' On, Rascal Flatts

Dear God, it’s hotter than a motherfucker these days.  And no, I don’t know exactly how hot a motherfucker it.  Just know that it’s hot, dammit!  LOL!  Gotta love July in Minnesota.  Okay, so those in the South are probably flipping me off for making such claims as I’m sure it’s pretty toasty there, but I long for nights where it’s 60 degrees and I can sleep with my windows open.  I love having AC, I really do, but I miss having my windows open.  I tend to start to feel closed in after a while…

I’m going to try to put a picture of my niece in here.  She’s the cutest damn thing just about ever.  Doc and I had her for a while on Friday night and took her to the park to play and take pictures.  Doc’s truly talented and you can see it in her pictures.  In the pictures she takes and then what she does to them with photoshop.  If this picture actually shows up, it was actually a color photo first.  And if this works, I’m going to get the pictures of Hailey making faces because there’s three in a row and they make me laugh so hard when I see them. 

(Nope.  Turns out I can't do it.  It's in a PDF format and I can't figure out how to upload it to any kind of address.  Bummer, man...  But I'll work on it and get it up here because that'd be fun!)

Things are going good here.  It’s been super busy lately and will continue to be so until after Wefest.  Which, in case anyone is counting, is a little over three weeks away.  How fricking awesome is that?  I’m so excited.  And kinda sad because that tends to mark the beginning of the end of the summer.  Then again, Fall and those 60 degree nights are just around the corner then.  Yay to that…

I had more stuff to say, but now I can’t remember what it was.  So, I’m going to post, try to put Hailey here and then go to bed.  I’m going to try my best to be in bed by midnight.  I know, crazy talk… LOL!

Current Mood: happy

Current Music: Georgia Rain, Trisha Yearwood

Okay, I’m not wallowing or feeling so sorry for myself today as I was the last time I posted.  Now, I’m just… tired.  And was completely passive aggressive with a friend of mine today and am feeling some shade of shame over it.  Because, really, I should just be able to put it right out there and say it.  But I don’t know how to say it and I STILL can’t decide if I’m being a baby or not so I decide to be extra ::sneers the word:: mature and just sorta hint at it.  Yeah, I’m an adult.  ::rolls eyes::

Weekend was good.  Did Date Night with Doc and saw The Longest Yard.  Funniest movie I’ve seen in a really, really long time.  Honestly, laughed so hard it brought on the ever lovely coughing fit.  I am such a sexy bitch it’s unreal.  But honestly, LOVED it.  I’m a fan of most Adam Sandler movies.  Even like the one where he was the Devil’s kid.  Found it funny, although I’m kinda perverse that way.  The Longest Yard?  Really was funny.  And I don’t know how they managed to get so many gorgeous men in one movie, but there you have it.  All those sculpted chests and… Yeah, it was delightful. 

And so much fun to see some of the professional wrestlers that I used to watch in there.  Goldberg is so fucking gorgeous there are no words.  Especially the shower scenes where he’s naked and wet and, apparently, sporting a gigantic cock.  True?  Prolly not, given the amount of steroids I imagine he’s ingested over the years.  But still, his chest is as massive and impressive as ever and, again, the first thing that came to mind when I saw him (as it always did when I used to watch Wrestling), was I want that man and all his muscles to hug me.  And hug me lots.  Stone Cold Steve Austin was in it.  Pretty much played his guard character as Stone Cold, but he was surprisingly all right.  And, shame on my, Kevin Nash was in it and I didn’t even realize it.  After I saw his name in the credits, I realized who he was, but as someone I once called my husband, you’d think I’d have recognized him immediately.  In my defense, he’s got really short hair and it’s not as attractive as his long hair.  And, Lord, do I miss his leather pants…  LOL! 

I also enjoyed Nelly in it.  Have always been a fan of his music and he didn’t do too badly as an actor.  And he’s cute.  Who knew?  LOL!  I think that’s just a thing I have.  But men doing athletic feats is rather attractive to me.  Did I mention how much I liked to see Goldberg run?  LOL!  I was also quite impressed with Michael Irving.  Who, up until this moment, I sorta thought was… and now I can’t remember.  Just… POOF, it’s gone.  That’s delightful.  Anyway, he did an amazing job as well.  I think that’s what I’m so impressed about with this movie.  Because the actors, Adam and Burt and Chris, were fantastic as always, but most of the football teams were made up from nonactors – professional wrestlers, pro football players, and some really huge Indian body builder who can barely speak English.  And  you wouldn’t know it.  They all did so well.

Saturday night was a Chalet night.  Been a while since we’d done that and it was a lot of fun.  Got rip roaring drunk, although part of that was due to Neil (Betsy’s boyfriend)’s friend, Steve.  Steve, as it turns out, like to do shots.  And I, as it turns out again, like to do them with him.  Jaegermeister and Redbull.  Who knew I’d like them?  LOL!  But they were good and it was fun.  Steve’s a singer.  Sings Cracklin’ Rosie and I just adore him.  Spent more time with Betsy and Neil’s friends than I did my own, but my friends were a bit of a buzzkill that night.  Doc seemed a bit cranky, Jen was in her No Fun mode and Nancy and Brian were too far away to really be able to chat with.  Di and her sister, Chris, came, too, which is always fun.  Di was absolutely crushed.  Wonder how pleasant that was going home to Andy.  Seems he is less than patient when she gets like that, although, truly, I kinda think that he’s embarrassed when she gets that drunk.  Maybe not.  I don’t know. 

Yesterday, Shawnna came over for the first time in over a month.  Haven’t seen her since we did dinner at her house, which was probably a month ago.  She’s so busy studying, it seems.  Which is bullshit.  She just got mad at us for something on her birthday or is too busy with the new roommate, Mike, or whatever.  But she graced us with her presence.  Only to spent most of the time in our living room studying.  I tried to talk to her but she kept giving me one word answers like I was bothering her or something.  So, I went elsewhere.  Jen came over because the plan was to play cards and was as confused as I was.  It was just so weird.  Like, she couldn’t put her books down for an hour to hang out with people who used to be her closest friends.  I have come to realize that she’s one of those really self involved girls who only care about what’s going on her world.  Apparently, we don’t really rate anymore, so we’re not important.  I can forgive that in regards to me.  We weren’t really all that close.  But the way she’s treated and treating Doc?  After ALL that Doc has done for her?  How does one go from talking on the phone at least once a day to not seeing for almost two months?  It’s so rude and so unacceptable to me.  I’m not really interested in having a friend like that.  If we have done something to upset her, she should be fucking adult enough to talk to us about it instead of just not calling or coming over anymore.  Apparently, though, now that she has Mike, she’s not lonely anymore and doesn’t need us.  Fine.  Whatever.  Fuck off.  LOL!

All right, I’m about done here for the night.  Am getting kinda sleepy and it’s about time for bed.  The night’s been full of fantastic storm watching and I’m kinda hoping for a big thunderstorm to fall asleep to.  I do so love a kick ass thunderstorm…

Current Mood: morose

Current Music: The Rain on my Roof...

Okay, so I’m a little cranky.  It’s probably just one of my moods or I’m PMSing or something (my tongue is a little raw with that whole Geographic Tongue thing again so that would make sense), but I’m feeling a little bit neglected again these days.  Like I’m kinda getting tired of asking the questions and being the support person for everyone and not really getting any questions in return.  And, yeah, I know.  I can’t expect people to know I need to talk about something or are upset about something if I don’t tell them.  I get that.  But it doesn’t seem that anyone is even *asking* a whole lot of anything these days.  And I’m kinda tired of it.

And I know I can be stubborn.  I know that I start to feel this way and then I take a step back and don’t make it easy for anyone to reach out to me.  I try not to do that but it gets to the point where I don’t want to make the effort if it’s not going to yield anything.  Thing is, it doesn’t take much to keep me happy.  Ask, *really* ask how I am.  And pay attention to the answer.  There is nothing worse than sending out a long email or a long IM and then getting one sentence back.  Like, you can’t be arsed to pay attention and answer properly.  Fine, that’s great.  But then I’m going to talk about nonsense and not try anymore.  Same theory applies in my real life, too.  I work hard to make sure the people around me are happy and doing good.  Getting what they want even if it’s not necessarily what I want.  Do I really want to cancel our usual Date Night of dinner and a movie so we can look at paint?  No.  Is the disappointment almost choking?  Yes.  But am I going to do it?  Yeah, I am.  So why can’t I get a little of that in return.

I think what my problem is is that I’m so fucking tired of being so reasonable.  Just once, I’d like to be irrational and selfish and make something be entirely about me.  Yeah, not gonna happen…

In other news, Amy’s brother Jon is doing all right.  And since I haven’t talked about Amy’s brother at all, I probably should.  He was crushed in a farming accident on Friday.  Crushed badly.  Was flown by helicopter to Sioux Falls and in and out of emergency surgery the first 24 hours he was there.  He lacerated his liver, damaged his pancreas and there is some serious damage to his bowel.  An average person has up to 30 feet of intestines in their body.  Jon now has 1.  1 foot.  12 inches.  And that’s not good.  First update we got from Amy’s cousin, Becca, because Amy was too upset to talk on that Saturday morning, was that it wasn’t enough intestine to live and that he was going to starve to death.  And then we got some better news and found out that intestine transplants are possible and it’s also possible to teach the remaining intestine to act like it’s much larger than it is.  He went in for more surgeries to repair some of the internal bleeding and to check the level of swelling so they could get a better idea of what’s really going on inside him and the prognosis looks all right.  He’s got those two options that he needs to decide what to do with.  But they were able to take him off the ventilator today and he’s breathing on his own.  Which is a very good thing.  Amy seems to be doing all right, even though I haven’t talked to her yet.  And everyone is hopeful.  The human body is an amazing, amazing thing.  He’s still in my thoughts and prayers…

All right, I think I’m done for the night.  Done feeling sorry for myself and done being mad.  No point, really, as things won’t change.  I won’t change things, to be more precise.  So I guess that means I don’t really get to complain, does it?  ::sighs::   Life is such a bitch that way… LOL!

Current Mood: pissed off

Current Music: The Hum of the AC...

Hello, happy campers.  ::snickers::  See, there I go again, pretending that someone is going to read this.  But it amuses me immensely.  Works for me. 

Went to Arkansas last weekend to visit the folks on our Annual Memorial Day trip with the girls.  Alina wasn’t able to come but Dani took her place and it was really good.  Nancy was great, we were a little concerned about her and “Buddy.”  (What we’re calling her baby until he or she is born)  Did some floating (okay, cruising at high speeds into the wind.  Whatever.  LOL!) on Beaver Lake, discovered the trick behind sunscreen (turns out you actually have to open the sunscreen container and apply it directly to your skin.  Who knew?  LOL!) and ate some very, very fine meals that my mom cooked.  Was absolutely delightful.  And so relaxing, which was very much needed.

I’ve been on a HUGE Eric Bana kick these days.  Started with that fic I recced last time, Eagle’s Nest, in which he’s absolutely delightful and then continued when I read The Archer (http://avia.silverbloom.net/mirror/viewstory.php?sid=4275).  They’re written very differently, with Eric being that strong, solid guy I like so much in Eagle’s Nest and being a little bit insane in The Archer.  But, honestly, he cracked me up so much in The Archer.  All he wanted to do was fuck and blow shit up.  And he had the best sense of humor.  I laughed my ass off in a particular scene when Viggo and Sean were trying to kill each other and he just grabbed them both the throat and shook them like naughty dogs, especially when he found out that one of them punched Dom by mistake.  Then he smacked them on the head with a rolled up magazine and told them that if they didn’t play nice, he’d make them sit on the couch and hold hands all night.  I was just sitting there, laughing like a loon in the middle of the Beer Store.   Even though he persisted in blowing shit up, I want to be his friend.  Because he’d light someone on fire and then cuddle he hell out of them.  Works for me.  Well, minus the fire that is…

Speaking of Eagle’s Nest, this fic is fantastic.  Angsty as all hell, which is right up my alley, and so detail oriented and creative.  And it’s got all my favorite characters in it, including Harry Sinclair, whom I never can get enough of.  Even as broken as he is in the fic.  I’d definitely recommend it to anyone who wanted something long, angsty and good.  It’s good.  Did I mention that?

Oh, for fuck’s sake.  I’m listening to K102’s Lunch with the Legends and some of these songs KILL me.  This one’s about some little crippled boy with his crippled feet and it’s horrid.  It followed something that said repeatedly, “burgers and fries and cherry pies.”  God, put me out of my misery…

I don’t remember what I was saying.  Oh, raving about Eagle’s Nest and Archer.  Won’t do that anymore, have done enough of it lately to make it tiresome.  I just get excited about new fics that I can read and get into and enjoy that don’t become some cliché that I get bored with.  So, yeah, Eric Bana.  He’s delightful.  Going to have to watch Troy again this weekend.  He’s magnificent in it.  Have I mentioned that? 

Looks like we’re going to be doing some painting of Doc’s room this weekend.  Should be interesting.  If, that is, we actually go through with it.  But if it’s the change she needs to start being happier, I’m cool with that. Besides, I like to paint.  She and I are doing Date Night tonight.  Seems like a while since we’ve done that.  At least, full date night with dinner and a movie.  I’m sure Dani is jumping up and down with glee that she’ll have her Friday night alone in the house again. 

One final thing.  I have decided that I’m going to make it my goal to finish my Harry/Dave fic and post it somewhere.  I’ve kinda been working on it again and I don’t think it’s terrible.  Maybe.  But I think I need to be doing something with this stuff that I’m writing.  So, I’m going to do it.  Have a couple LJ’s that I can post it to and the yahoo groups.  Lord, it terrifies me, but I just want to finish and put it somewhere so I can’t go back and change it again.  And then maybe I’ll set my sights on my Xander/Spike fic.  And then, maybe, just maybe, my Bodyguard fic.  Although that’s so damn hard because I’ve lost my muse.  See, I started it because I was thinking of Dev and how he always feels he needs to be impossibly strong and started thinking about what a character made from parts of him would be.  And then it just sorta snowballed into something I needed to write and had fun with Viggo and Sean and even like my OC, Mike, once in a while.  But then I stopped talking to Dev, stopped being allowed to and he is so rarely spoken about that I lost him.  So Malachi lost some of his depth and I have nothing.  And I started hating Mike because she turned into a Mary Sue and I just want to slap her.  But maybe if I started over, started tearing it apart and tried to find my Mal again, I might be able to do it.  just_jane_doe</span> has brought out what we affectionately call The Precious and has me thinking about that one again.  So I’m going to be doing a reread and maybe we’ll start working on that one, too.  I’d like to post that sucker some day, but I’m not sure if she wants to or is ready to.  It’s a big bastard, but there are some good things in there.  Mostly what Hector has written but there’s even flashes of something that I’ve written that I like.  So, yeah, I’m going to be writing again, I think.

And that’s about all I have for you.  We’ll see how many times it takes me to get it posted right.  There’s always some weird coding that shows up when I put links in.  I have no idea why.  Bastard…

Current Mood: content

Current Music: Fast Cars and Freedom (Rascal Flatts)